I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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