we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
