Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
