i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
