Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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