I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
