her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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