i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
