Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
