I think i peed on brittanys purse
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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