his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
