No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
