i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
