I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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