Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
