If i come over, it means nothing
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
