just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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