his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm both gender and math confused
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
