today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Terrible idea I love it
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
