New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Where are you guys?
Drunk
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
