I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
