Nicole vs. Life
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
