he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
