my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
