True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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