He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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