So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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