god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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