My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
