3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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