I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
