I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I currently don't understand fingers.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
