you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
