Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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