im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
