On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
