I got chris browned last night
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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