I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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