Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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