So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
