I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
