I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
