Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
