I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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