Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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