ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
