nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
