he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
