I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
