I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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